If I had a million diaries.
I’d whisper into its pages. The ink cements a moment, the words cement a memory. I turn the page and I link memory after memory, moment after moment, feeling after feeling.
I place a period. Turn the page anew. Lock the book and move forward to the next diary.
But in reality, I will never have a million diaries.
It’s funny to think that the diary and the heart don’t work the same way even though a diary is intended to piece bits of your hearts moments together. In a diary, you have blank pages at the ready. If you don’t like a page, you can scribble, erase, or tear the page away to move on to a new one. You can even find a new one to use. When it comes to the heart, there’s no such thing as multiple blank pages, just a stronger less likely to rip version of a used one. One diary. One heart. One page to write your story on.
Lately my world has returned pieces of my past. Manifesting in different ways either as signs, places, or people. Things I’ve written about in my “diary,” that I glossed over, hoping it won’t ever return. I don’t know if it’s meant to bring me clarity for the future, or a lesson to be learned, but what I do know is that I’ve locked away a lot of things I needed to address for my own personal growth. I’ve not read the contents of my diary. And I need to.
I can’t heal without looking back.
I had written so much and locked it away for the last five years without really reading the words on those pages.
A majority of my college career, actually my entire life was me constantly moving from one point to another. Whether it was cities, schools, achievements, or obligations. There were moments that I never really gave myself the opportunity to read and process what I’ve written in my own diary, or to allow myself to fully benefit or hurt from all that I was doing or moving for. That explains my lack of attachment to things. If I was in pain, I moved without stopping. If I felt accomplished, I let it last for a day and moved onto the next goal. All that motion can leave you feeling exhausted. And unable to navigate the future in a healthy way.
I’m slowly making amends with myself, one page at a time. And this is a difficult process because of all the change I’ve undergone as a person. I hadn’t stopped to recognize who I’ve become.
But what happens next, is a healing process that involves letting go and coming to terms with who you are and how you’ve grown.
People in your life will leave you. That’s okay. You will leave people. That’s okay.
You’re not rewriting, your writing anew.
DJ, the visual director for this piece taught me about the significance of Sunset Cliffs. How for years the water has slowly broken apart pieces of this mass of land, forming a breathtaking version that so many of us get to see now. It doesn’t mean those pieces of it were never there, and it doesn’t mean the next time I come back it will look exactly the same.
Just like us.
I never thought I’d be comfortable wearing trunks this length much less see myself wearing them. But here they are. And here I am. The look itself also shows my comfort with a relaxed version of white, pairing a white open button up and a mesh blue longline. I’ve also grown to love gold accents, something I was told looked to feminine for a “man.” Now I’m wearing it without hesitation.
If I had a million diaries, I don’t know where I’d start reading. Good thing I only have one.
So start at a page you feel you need to return to. There’s a lot about you you’ve yet to uncover,
H E A D to T O E |
Long Sleeve Button Up | Levis
Longline Mesh Tee | Zara
Patterned Short Trunks | H&M
Bracelet and Double Finger Ring | Topman
Slight Heeled Boat Shoe | Cole